So, I bring up this concert on my DVR and start watching it. It features 3 sets from Mayer. One set of acoustic numbers of just himself and guitarist Robbie McIntosh(formerly of the Pretenders and Paul McCartney’s solo band). The second set is the John Mayer Trio featuring bassist Pino Palladino and drummer Steve Jordan. If you’re unfamiliar with these two, let me briefly educate you. Pino is the session bassist that Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend called to replace the late John Entwistle for the Who when he died back in 2002. Steve Jordan is a longtime favorite drummer of mine who was the original drummer for Late Night with David Letterman before Anton Fig. He was the original backbeat behind the Blues Brothers band when they first played together and recorded. When Keith Richards got tired of waiting for Mick Jagger to write and record new material in the late 80’s, he formed his band the X-Pensive Winos with Steve Jordan on drums. So, when John Mayer employed these two musicians, he had my attention. The 3rd set of this concert is a full band set of multiple guitars, horns, keyboards and drums.
As I start watching this show, I am loving the musicianship of Mayer and the funkiness of Palladino and Jordan. I’ve been a sucker for the blues trio format for years.
His full band is top-notch as well. But, when the band kicks into Mayer’s 21st Century blues number Gravity, I was transported both psychologically and emotionally to the Winter of 2007 and the thoughts of loss. That was the year I was dealing with emotions and heartbreak from the separation of my marriage and eventual divorce. I alluded to this album on a review of his 2012 album Born and Raised and my “listening habits of 2013”. But, I’ve yet to write and spell out what this album meant to me.
When my son’s mother and I separated in the Fall of 2005, I went through a series of thoughts and emotions of “Why is this happening?” and “What can I do to change her mind and get back together?” When I finally came to grips that the divorce was going to happen, I turned to something like music to get my mind off of the failed marriage. But, the music had a way of drilling into those emotions when I wasn’t expecting it.
I had heard Waiting on the World to Change at the tail end of 2006. I had begun to see John Mayer in various music circles of artists that I followed. He had done an episode of PBS Soundstage with legendary bluesman Buddy Guy. I saw him playing guitar with Derek Trucks, Robert Randolph and members of Gov’t Mule on a music showcase called “The Jammys” that featured bands like the Allman Brothers Band, John Scofield and Gov’t Mule. I had sampled through some of his John Mayer Trio CD and I liked what I had heard. I bought the Continuum CD, ripped it to the computer and synched it up with my MP3 player and started a routine of Mall-walking around the almost abandoned Imperial Mall of Hastings Nebraska after I would get off work. I was alone in this mall with my walking music and my thoughts. This collection of music was in heavy rotation on my MP3 player and in my mind and heart at the time.
Waiting for the World to Change – In the days and months after the separation, I would wake in the morning and ride the stationary bike and watch VH1 morning videos. I remember seeing this video. I liked how the song felt and moved. After I bought the album, I remember playing this song in the car while my (then 2 year old) son was seated in his car seat behind me. He originally would sing along to the song on the chorus especially on the “WAITING” echo part. He told me at one point that this sounded like “Uncle Mike” music and that he equated this music with my brother(his Uncle) Mike. Mike later commented that he hadn’t heard it. But, appreciated the comparison.
I Don’t Trust Myself in Loving You – my first thoughts when this song came on was that I hated the snare drum sound. But, that’s my own drumming issue. When the sound of the snare lends to the tone of the song, then it works and it didn’t take long before the song sucked me in.
It was a time of separation from my wife and a time of accepting the fact that we may never be together as husband and wife. Over time, the one issue I keep coming back to when I think about the idea of remarrying and moving into another relationship is TRUST. Can I trust another woman to stay with me in marriage for the long haul. The lyrics rang through my ears and mind. As much as I wanted to remain married, did I trust myself and her in loving again. Would I ever be able to date again and love another woman or even trust another or (as the song states) “Trust myself in Loving you”
It was a time of separation from my wife and a time of accepting the fact that we may never be together as husband and wife. Over time, the one issue I keep coming back to when I think about the idea of remarrying and moving into another relationship is TRUST. Can I trust another woman to stay with me in marriage for the long haul. The lyrics rang through my ears and mind. As much as I wanted to remain married, did I trust myself and her in loving again. Would I ever be able to date again and love another woman or even trust another or (as the song states) “Trust myself in Loving you”
Belief – This song had a cool sound and grooving beat that helped me to pick up my step while walking. While I walked the (almost) deserted Imperial Mall in Hastings Nebraska. The heat would be turned down in the mall and there were little to no stores open anymore in this mall. I was alone in my thoughts listening to this album as I would walk. Although Belief has some heavy lyrics about believing, beliefs and how people have their own and it’s hard to change and it’s can be used as a weapon or a shield.
Gravity – The heaviness of this song would hit me as the upbeat tempo of Belief would wind down.
Heart of Life- At the time, I was rather active on MySpace communicating in a daily blog entry and seeking feedback from friends. I was in frequent phone conversations with my friend Scott who I had reconnected with in recent months. I had conversations with my lifelong college buddy Bob and my compatriot from my days at the community theatre Bill S as well as my college friend Kelly. I had commented that this album was big for me and how much I was digging it at the time. I met up with Bill one day for lunch. Bill had been a fan of John Mayer and he burned a CD of his favorite Mayer tunes. When I hear this song, I think how the love of these friends shined through for me in my personal darkness.
“Gravity is bringing me down”at that point the modern blues of this song was hitting me as the world around me was bringing me down. I was looking at a divorce in the months ahead of me. I was living apart from my wife and son. I missed them both. But, the line “Keep me where the light is” would offer me just a glimmer of hope to carry on.
“Gravity is working against me”
“Gravity is trying to bring me down”
Heart of Life- At the time, I was rather active on MySpace communicating in a daily blog entry and seeking feedback from friends. I was in frequent phone conversations with my friend Scott who I had reconnected with in recent months. I had conversations with my lifelong college buddy Bob and my compatriot from my days at the community theatre Bill S as well as my college friend Kelly. I had commented that this album was big for me and how much I was digging it at the time. I met up with Bill one day for lunch. Bill had been a fan of John Mayer and he burned a CD of his favorite Mayer tunes. When I hear this song, I think how the love of these friends shined through for me in my personal darkness.
“Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing newThe line about a “Circle of friends will defend the silver lining” rang true for these friends who were there in my times of ranting and venting about my hopelessness and my (soon to be) ex-wife. Still to this day I think about these individuals when I hear this song.
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining”
Vultures – I don’t remember this song hitting me or resonating with me in any emotional way. The rhythm was steady enough that made for good walking pace. But, as I look back, the lyrics may have been subconsciously strengthening me.
“I’ll Walk through the fireStop this Train – A nice easy going acoustic number that incorporates a nice little train beat. It touches on all the things I was thinking. I was months away from the finalization of the divorce. Something I didn’t want and I kept hoping for a moment of reconciliation and we would be back on track as a married couple and family of 3 again. I feared the future and the uncertainty of the future. I wanted this emotional pain out of my heart and emotions. I wanted to “STOP THIS TRAIN”
if this is what it takes
to take me even higher.
Then I’ll come through like I do.
When the world keeps
testing me, testing me, testing me”
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – For me, the song wrapped up my marriage in a 4 minute song. As I walked, everything said in this song was what I was feeling or had felt in the time we were together. The arguments, the attempts to reconcile, and the moment where I felt us grow apart all came back rushing back to me in memories and I would feel this heaviness in my heart. I looked back on all kinds of points in our relationship that should have been red flags. I would stop walking, lean against a wall in a secluded corridor and fight back the tears that were welling up in me.
"Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
We're goin' down
And you can see it too
We're goin' down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin' room"
Bold as Love- Ah yes, a Hendrix cover. One of the things that had turned me on to the music of John Mayer was a sample recording I had heard of the John Mayer Trio live where he, Pino and Steve Jordan were rocking some Hendrix. This was a welcome relief to the heavy emotions I was feeling at the time and the musician side of me was able to rock to these sounds. I wanted to sit behind a drumkit and rock out to some Hendrix at this point.
Dreaming with a Broken Heart- Here is a song that touched the barest nerve of hurt and heartbreak that I was living at the time. The opening lyric voiced the emotions I was feeling in that months between the separation and the divorce.
I was dreaming of our life together still going on. We were still together as a family. I wasn’t living with my parents and spending time away from my son. Then, I’d wake up and there I was back in my parent’s basement and worrying about my future and what I could say and do to win my wife back."When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
the waking up is the hardest part,
you roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering
Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not cause she's gone gone gone gone. "
In Repair – This was a song that described where I was in my emotional state. I wasn’t in a blissful happy state. I wasn’t broken down as I had felt many months before. I was “in repair”. I remember spending time on MySpace and writing in my “status” field that I was in repair. I had a friend of mine at the time that basically asked me “What the hell does that mean?” I always felt it was self-explanatory.
I’m Gonna Find Another You - At the time, this song felt like a bit of closure for the inevitable divorce. The marriage was over as much as I didn’t want it. I had finally accepted it. The song says,
“It’s really overI didn’t really want to find “another you”. I wanted to find someone different than what I had been through. I still haven’t found someone new. I don’t look for someone. I’m more concentrated on my own self-improvement and my own happiness. I figure when the time is right, the right person will enter my life. I am not desperate for a new mate.
You made your stand
You got me crying
As was your plan
But when my loneliness is through
I’m gonna find another you.”
It’s been over 10 years since this album was part of my daily listening habit and daily routine. It’s taken a long time since I can listen to the album and not have the emotions I was feeling to come flooding back. Even this blog entry has been an ongoing writing process. I have finally come to a point where the hurt has dissipated. I can look back at this album and a statement that helped me grow. It comforted me at a time when I needed that comfort. The music was honest, bluesy and resonated with my emotional state. I have testified to the music of this album to many friends of mine over the years. I can only imagine the lives this album touched apart from my own whether it was musically, lyrically or a combination of both.
As you read this, understand that this memoir was part of my own healing process. I’m happy I’ve made this journey in life and anticipate the next step of the journey. I also hope that this will help others in moments of heartbreak and getting through those troubled times and storms that many must push forward through.
I have more blog entry drafts in my mind and my computer waiting to be finished. I’ve had more people ask me about my blog and it feels like a renewed way of sparking my own creative writing to get more finished and eventually published.
